Getting Ready for the New Year

Well, I am finishing up my first year as a parent. It's amazing how much has changed in the last year. I couldn't have predicted how much would change and how much I would enjoy it. I met all my goals from last year. I ran a half marathon less than 6 months after having the baby, I had the baby safely, and I graduated from grad school. I can honestly say that I wouldn't change anything about the last year.

Now, this coming year, I would like to get the full marathon under my belt. I would like to lose the weight that I need to (I am not ready to admit how much in public :) ). Finally, I would like to work on a stronger family relationship. I know what we have now is good, but we can always make it better. With J going on deployment later in the year, I know that we need to have as strong a relationship as possible.

Well, off to the celebrations!

Three Cheers for Navy Leave Policy

Although it seems like I complain a great deal about the Navy on the blog, there is a great deal that I like about it. One of those things is that when we are home, we get pretty good time off at the holidays. We earn 30 days of paid vacation each year and every command that I have been at has always worked hard to have everyone get 10 days off each, which is pretty darn awesome. We are so thankful to have this time off to spend with our family. We left on Friday and don't have to be back until the Monday after Christmas. After talking to many of our friends while visiting the hubs parents, this is not nearly the case for everyone. So, I am giving big ups to the Navy for getting this one right.

Vaccinations

So, the hubs and I have chosen to follow the extended vaccination plan endorsed by Dr. Sears. We know that there are no links between autism and vaccinations. We decided that it would be best to limit the amount of stress that our sons body is placed under at one time. We are not omitting any vaccinations, merely taking them at a bit slower pace. 3 doctors that we have seen agreed that this method was fine and encouraged our actions.

Since we have arrived in VA, we have been shut out at every turn. We were told he would have to have 7 shots at once at the military clinic. A private doctor will not even see us. We went to the health department clinic to get some shots and were told that "you people" should just follow the CDC guidelines and were unable to obtain one of the shots required.

I seriously am beginning to doubt our decision, which is beyond frustrating. I feel that we are being bullied into an action we don't want to take. The health care in VA has literally taken away our choices as parents. I know in my heart of hearts that we are choosing the right option, but it is hard to not doubt myself with all this adversity.

The Bet

So, as I have mentioned before I really don't like exercising, but I have to as part of my job. Well, the way that I normally exercise is running. A lot. I literally run my behind off, averaging over 20 miles a week. It seems to be the only way that I can keep my weight in check. As a result of all this running, I have run my fair share of road races. Now I am never in contention for any type of prize, but I like to keep improving on my times.

My husband also runs road races. In fact, he has run a whole marathon and I am still stuck at the half. As a result, he holds the speed record for the marathon, BUT I hold the speed record for the half. So, we both have been half hearted running lately. I suggested we sign up for a very popular road race here in VA to give us something to shoot for. This led us into our bet. If I win, I get a trip to Disney World. If he wins, he gets a hot tub. Needless to say, there is ALOT riding on this race. I am currently running more and faster than he is. However, when he gets into it, he can really get going. So, you heard it here first. Now there is no recanting on either side.

Medical Care and the Military

So, we have generally been very pleased with the medical care that both ourselves and our son has received. Sure, it's not the best of the best, but when we are sick or hurt, we have been cared for. Our son's previous two doctors have been helpful, informative, and caring. We couldn't have been happier until yesterday.

Our son was due for some 6 month vaccinations. We scheduled an appointment with our new clinic. We follow the Dr. Sears extended vaccination schedule, which we have had NO issues with our previous doctors. In fact, both of them pointed out that we are the decision makers for our child's health care, they only offer recommendations. So, we waited yesterday while the nurses prepared to give B his shots. The nurse walks in and says the clinic's policy is to give all shots to get children up to date. No exceptions, no other options. This would mean B would receive 7 shots at one time. Wait, what? We decided to leave the clinic and try and find another source of care for our son, even if it means that we have to pay for his childcare out of our own pocket.

I understand that people worry about not getting vaccinations. However, we intend on getting all the shots, just at a different pace. Not only do I find it medically questionable to give a 6 month old 7 shots at one time, when were not even given the option of speaking to a doctor. We were told we could do this, or leave. I am frustrated because we feel that we were bullied into making a decision. We had the strength to hold true and make other decisions, but what about the younger enlisted parents? As we walked out, we began questioning our choices and wondering if we were in fact wrong. Needless to say, our frustration level with government health care is extremely high right now. We now are wading into the bureaucratic mess of a TRICARE change.

DESK!!

I have one! I am finally getting settled in to the new job. I have a desk, a computer, and a phone. No longer do I have to rely on the niceness of others to check my email. Hooray! Now, if I could just get something to do with my time. I have plenty to study up on, sure, but having something to actually complete and accomplish would be great.

Gearing up for the Holidays

So, as I have mentioned before, my hubs will not be home for Christmas next year. As a result, we are really super loading this year. We are visiting as many people as we, going as many places, and seeing as many things. This has led to some serious planning and will likely lead to some serious burn out at the end. But, we decided that we would be upset with ourselves if we didn't get this much in. That next year we would look back and wish we had done things differently.

We went to Busch Gardens last night for their Christmas celebration (it's relatively close to our house) for an our family only event. It was just me, the hubs, and B. We had a great time. We took B on the carosuel for the first time. We saw shows, ate good food, and had some special time for our new family. I had this sinking feeling that over the next few weeks this might be the only movement that we would have to savor as our own family. We willing be running so much, seeing so many people that it is unlikely that we will have a moment just to be a new family. I am not upset about this, I love being with my family during the holidays, but I don't want to look back next year when J isn't here and wish that we had had more time together. It is a delicate balancing act, we have to both do a whole bunch of stuff, but also take time as a family.

One week down...a lot more to go

So, I have officially survived my first week at my new job. I was able to some things done: I got my email set up, took care of medical and dental, got my clearance taken care of. However, the most important thing...a desk, I have not accomplished. It's really, really tough to do anything of consequence without a place to put your stuff, access a computer, and so on. I don't want to complain or make a big deal, but when I asked today and there was no hope of a desk anytime soon, I have to say, I got pretty frustrated. I know that it takes time for people to get things set up. I understand that there are constraints that people work under, but really, no desk?

Being away from B was pretty tough. When I got home at night, I really wanted to spend time with him, but I was also tired from work. I felt like I had so much to do at night, cleaning, cooking, so on, that I couldn't give him the attention that he deserved and needed. My husband works just as hard as I do and has as many responsibilities at home as I do. He helps out where he can, but I still have a lot to get done each night. I am grateful that our childcare situation is so great. We have a great nanny that we and B really, really like. It makes working a little bit easier, but I still have this crushing guilt. I know that I am doing the best that I can and that just has to be good enough, but I still feel like I could do better. On to week two...

3 days later and I am EXHAUSTED

Well, being back at work is exhausting. Getting up at 5 am is exhausting. Running in the mornings and taking care of the baby at night is exhausting. I get up early, take the dogs out and run, sit in traffic for an hour, work, sit in traffic for another hour, cook dinner, clean up, get B ready for bed and then have time to myself. It's 7:30 pm and I could honestly go to bed without any problem. I haven't even been working that hard at work! Not having a desk severely limits my ability to do anything. I know that things are only to get harder from here.

The thing of it is is that only a few years ago I was able to go out to the bars even though I was keeping a similar routine. It's crazy that I am just so much more tired now. I know that there is added pressure with the baby and husband, but I just feel OLD. Like someone is taking a straw and sapping all the energy out of me. I know that soon things will settle out and I will get my routine down. I will soon return to being able to function on very little sleep. It's just tough because I feel like I have to make compromises in my relationships. I don't think my hubs and I have had anytime to connect in the these days. I feel like we are ships passing in the night (Navy pun unintended). I feel bad also that B isn't getting the attention he desires. I want to be able to play with him and read to him as much as I know he deserves, but my patience is low and there is so much to be done that I feel like I am cutting corners.

I knew that this feeling was coming, but I didn't know that it would only take 3 days! Thankfully the weekend is coming up and then in just a few short weeks is Christmas (eek, I have so much to do)!

Checking In

Today was my first for real day at my new job. I showed up this morning not knowing what to expect. What I found was no desk, no access pass, and no email. Needless to say, I didn't get a whole lot done. It was frustrating to say the least. I know that it was not anything malicious and that there was some effort put into my arrival and, in fact, many of the problems I experienced were due to equipment malfunctions, but still, it just seemed like there could have been something more.

Checking into a new command is always tough. You have to not only learn a whole new job and develop a new skill set in a short amount of time, but also get the lay of the social land. You have to test the waters to see how serious or not the leadership will be. You have to see if the other LTs are nice or not. You have to figure out the rhythms of the office. Does everyone show up in civvies and change into uniform? Do people bring their lunch? One misstep in these early days can be devastating. This job is especially interesting because it is a large command, so being an LT is like being the lowest frog in the pond.

Something that I am very grateful for is the family first focus of this command. It's not a given that your boss will allow you to stay home with a sick child or be understanding of doctor's appointments and other such nonsense. Some leaders take the attitude that if you needed a family, the Navy would have issued you one. For my hubs and I, this focus is especially important. There is no one who can easily get off work to stay home. I am very thankful that this command seems more flexible than those in the past.

Here's hoping for a better day two (and a desk)!

Home for the Holidays

In the Navy, being home for the holidays is really a luxury rather than a regularity. We are lucky that this year we are going to be able to spend both Thanksgiving and Christmas with our family. In years past, we have often had to choose which holiday or we have not been able to be home at all. In my case, this has been especially tough as I am very close to my family. I look forward to these holidays. Decorating and cooking for the holidays are some of my very favorite things in the world.

Next year, we are starting down my hubs being gone from August or September through April or May. He will literally miss every important event in our family: birthdays, anniversaries, and the traditional holidays. When he has missed before, I have just retreated to time with my family and, while tough, it hasn't seemed that bad. But, now that we have B, it seems like the gap will be much larger. We can't really start any of our own family traditions. Next year's holidays will be merely a place holder until we can get back together.

This knowledge also makes this holiday season feel all the more important. This Christmas and anniversary have to last us two years. So, we are really doing it up this year. Tons of lights and decorations. Great presents and as much time with family as we can.

Moving into a New House

Well, as I have mentioned before, we are accustomed to moving. In our 5 years together, my hubs and I have moved over 5 times, sometimes together, sometimes not. Prior to this move, we thought we had gotten pretty good at moving. We could generally unpack all the boxes and get everything set up in just a few days. Our house would be up and running in no time at all.

Not this time. We have been in the house for over a week and there are still unopened boxes, furniture isn't in the right rooms and there is nothing on the walls. Part of it is that this is the first house that we have owned. We aren't quite sure how to get everything into a house that we will actually be in for more than just a year or two. We want to get everything set up just so because we have to live with it for a lot longer.

But, the biggest reason is the boy. Usually we worked for many hours straight getting everything together. Not this time. I am lucky to get a couple of hours a day when B is napping to get things organized. I know that this isn't a big deal. I know that there is no time table when babies are involved and that I have to just take what I can and move on. However, it is getting very tiresome every time I have to try and figure out where things might be packed away and stepping over boxes all the time.

With the nanny starting tomorrow, I feel especially bad that she will have to dig through this mess that my house is. I know that everyone is understanding about these things, but still, it's just a little embarrassing. Ah well, enough break, back to unpacking.

Back at home!

I rode into town late last night and, boy, am I thankful to be home! My son was not nearly as excited to see me as I hoped. It was late, he was tired, I was tired and I was really disappointed. I know that I had too high of hopes, but I still felt like he was just like, eh you're back. Thankfully this morning, he let me snuggle with him, which he usually won't do. I know that it is silly for my feelings to be hurt, but they really were. Perhaps it is just hormones, but I expected something that just didn't happen and I felt left down. I guess that is something that I need to prepare myself for as I will have more periods of being away from him. I can't expect things out of him. He is just a baby and it is silly to expect him to emote like I do.

On the upside, we had no problems nursing. A week of bottles did not ruin him. He jumped back into it like I had never left. My supply is down, but I am pretty sure that it will come back as we have more time together.

I am just grateful that both he and I made it through the separation. This experience was important. Now I know that my husband can care for our son without me hovering. I know that my son is flexible enough to survive pretty much anything that is thrown at him. And, most important, I know that I can be without him. Although it was super painful and it will never get easier, at least I know that both he and I will be fine.

Diana and Physical Fitness....

Are not friends! So, I'm in the Navy and part of my job is to be in pretty decent shape. They give us time at lunch to work out, you can work out in the morning or after work. We have physical fitness tests and we have to be weighed every 6 months to make sure we are in shape. Here's the rub, I hate working out and I hate eating healthy even more! I run my behind off, generally 20 to 25 miles a week, just to stay at the same weight (and it isn't that low). I have thankfully gotten to the point where I don't hate running and, on rare occasion, sometimes enjoy it.

Having the baby completely threw everything out of whack. I am often so tired from handling him that I just don't have the energy to work out. I have a jogging stroller that I use often and really like, but getting the energy to go out and use it is really where the problem lies. But, I have no choice. You only have 6 months to lose the weight (which is no small task, especially for someone who likes the lickies as much as I do). Well, it's been six months and I still have 5 pounds to go. I just can't seem to get them off. I run like a demon, I eat (fairly) healthy and it just isn't budging.

With the Holidays coming up, I am pretty much doomed. I honestly will probably have to run on Christmas day. Oh well, at least it will give me a break from the family for a few hours.

The Wonders of Technology

This separation has been tough, but thankfully, we have been able to harness the power of technology to our advantage. Through Skype, I have been able to see my son everyday and read him his nighttime story. It's really wonderful to see his face break into a smile when he hears my voice. My MIL and hubs have also been sending picture messages throughout the day for me to see him from afar.

It's amazing to me the advances that I can take advantage of while I am away. A few years ago when my hubs was stationed overseas while I was home stateside, we spent a fortune on phone cards and cell phone bills. We had no way to see each other. Now, we can talk for free over the Internet with video. I cannot express how much that means to both of us. Right after B was born, J left to go to school on the East Coast. He missed practically the whole first 6 weeks. However, with Skype and email, he was able to see tons of pictures and B was used to hearing his voice.

Being separated is, unfortunately, the reality of being in the military. In our family, someone is almost always away from home. However, with the these new technologies, the separation is just a little bit easier. I don't feel as far away as I usually do.

Pump, pump, pump.

I have now been separated from my son for over 24 hours and I am definitely stressing my pump. I have never been super excited about nursing in general. I really don't like the feeling and I always hated how much time it took up. However, I know that it is the best thing for my son, so I have sucked it up (ha!) and kept on. My goal has always been to get him to 6 months, but because of how bad this flu season is this year, we decided to keep him nursing through the winter. That means that I have to pump during this separation. I HATE pumping. It hurts, it takes forever, and I find it just a little bit gross.

Trying to tell your boss in the military that you need to go pump is just about the most uncomfortable thing you can do. You might as well tell him you have cramps. While the military has done a good job of integrating women into almost everything, we are still significantly outnumbered. There have been many times when I don't work with other women for weeks at a time. As a result, talking about something as feminine as breastfeeding is not the most pleasant experience. Many times, they just don't understand. This last week in particular has been bad. We have been working through lunch which is when I pump during the day. I try to be as vague as possible as I head off to the bathroom with my black bag, but sometimes I just have to come out and say it. Often times, being a women in the military is like a constant fight to remain in the loop. I feel like everytime I have to pump it's just another tick against why we don't belong. I know in my heart of hearts that this is the right decision, but I just wish it was a bit easier.

Since he will be taking bottles for the next 5 days, I am worried that he will not want to nurse when I get back. I never thought that I would be upset about this, but now that I face it, I am sad at this thought. It means that my little baby is already growing up. I have been thankful for the time that I have been with him, but I fear this is just the first in a long line of things that I miss. I know that growing up is normal, but I am just not ready to lose my little baby.

12 hours on my own...

Well, here I am, all alone sitting in a BOQ room (Navy hotel room) by myself. I have read, worked out, caught up on the Internet, and various other things I had been wanting to accomplish for weeks. This all has been good. What is not good is that it has only been 12 hours. I still have 4 days to go and I am not sure how to fill them. Work will be busy this week, but that only gets me from 7 to 5. Sure, I'll work out and play on the computer each day, but how will I kill all of that extra time?

I feel silly for saying all of this. It makes me feel as if all I ever do is complain. When I am at home, all I want is time for myself and to get a break. Well, here I am, all the time for myself I could want and all I want to do is go back home. I am surprised at how physically and emotionally painful this separation has been after just 12 hours. I feel an actual ache in my chest for my son. My arms so desperately want to hold him. I talked to my husband a few hours ago and could hear B crying. It was the worst feeling to know that both he and J were struggling and there was nothing I could do to help. I have been on the verge of tears all day.

What scares me is that this is only 5 days. How will I feel when it is time to go on a 7 month deployment? What about all those LONG hours that are in my future when I am back at home. I feel like my child changes everyday, how much will I miss? I know that my son will be fine, we have great childcare, but again, they aren't his mommy. When I was little, my mother was there when I needed her, when I had a bad dream or scraped my knee. I can't make the same promise to my son.

On the other hand, my job meets my need for intellectual stimulation. I love my job. I love the opportunities it has given me (I have been to 4 continents and numerous countries). I have seen amazing sunrises over the ocean. I get to work with some of the most interesting people in the world. I get to do things that seem to only happen in the movies. I can't imagine sitting at a desk for hours on end working on paperwork. However, this ache is unbearable. I miss my son and will continue missing him until I am home again.

Seperation Anxiety

It's official. I have to leave my son behind for the first time tomorrow. I keep reminding myself that it's only 5 days, but, right now, that seems like an eternity. I know that I should be thankful that I have not had to be away from him for more than a few hours so far. In the navy, 6 months together seems like quite a feat. My husband was only with us for the first few days after B was born and then he had to go away again. I know that my hubs and MIL will do a wonderful job taking care of him, but they aren't his mommy. They just don't know him as well as I do. I know all the signs, all the tricks, just about everything about this boy. I know the songs he likes when he is sad or when he is happy. I know how he loves to play first thing when he wakes up. It's tough to know that I won't be able to read him his bed time story or kiss him goodnight again until Friday.

I try to keep tricking myself by saying this will be an opportunity to recharge my batteries, get some sleep, and regain my mojo, both personal and maternal. I will get to sleep through the night, work out when I want to, all the things that I have been complaining about lately. However, I would gladly give all of that up just to not have to be away from my baby for 5 days. I just don't know how I am going to do it. I do know one thing, I'll be snuggling a little bit extra with the boy tonight.

Veteran's Day

So, yesterday was Veteran's Day. It's a funny thing being in the military on a day like Veteran's Day. People tell you how thankful they are for the work that you do. While I really do appreciate when people say that, it makes you feel a little bit funny. Being in the military is my job. While it isn't a normal 9 to 5, it seems normal to me. I love my job in the Navy and there are certainly challenges that are associated with it, but it still seems strange to be thanked for it. I mean, I don't have a special day to thank my banker or the vet. However, I know that while I haven't been placed in harms way, there are many, many men and women who have. I am thankful for them. I have several friends who have been, are, and will be in Iraq and Afghanistan, and to me, those are the people who really should be treated special.

Another Day, Another Wargame

So, I find myself really struggling to reconcile the two sides of my life. I am both a mother and a Naval Officer, but the differences between these two positions are so vast that I find it challenging to be the same person in both.

As a Naval Officer, I have to be aggressive, assured, and, sometimes, down right nasty. I also have to think quickly and think deadly. It is my job to keep my people safe and that sometimes means destroying those against me. How does that match up to the compassionate, loving mother side of me? I feel like I have two personalities and switching between the two is exhausting. Certainly, aspects of both overlap, but it doesn't seem to happen too often, and if it does, it is often at the wrong time. It's almost as if when I put my uniform on, I adopt one persona and when it comes of I have another.

This switching sometimes make me wonder if I ever do both well. I often feel that I am only mediocre in both situations. I know that the aggressive, mean personality sneaks in when I am dealing with a crying baby and I lose my temper. I also know that I am not as assured of myself at my job as I used to be. There are times when I feel that everyone looks at me as the person who lost her edge, who can no longer work as quickly or effectively as I did previously. This doesn't even mention my role as a wife, which I think might be suffering most of all. So, how to do it all and still be the same person? I guess if I figure it out, I will pass on the knowledge!

Moving Day

Something all too familiar is outside our house today...the moving van. The hubs and I have moved nearly ever two years in our time in the Navy. Every time it takes precise planning and execution. You have to figure out what to put in the car that needs to be at the next house when you get there, dishes, clothes, etc. You have to make hotel reservations along the way. There are millions of details that have to be figured out, sorted out, and packed.

Now I have to move with a 6 month old. Every detail is multiplied ten fold. Plus, there is just so darn much gear. Crib, stroller, bottles, food, the list goes on and on. You have to take more things, but you have less car space with the car seat. So, you have to make trade-offs. I am planning on traveling 5 days with only 2 pairs of pants (and other clothes of course). The hubs packed out (put in the moving truck) some of his most prized comic books.

Moving this time seemed so much harder for other, less tangible reasons. If moving is hard enough on us, how much harder will it be on B? How will he handle the hours in the car as we drive down to our new house? How will he adjust into a new house? So many questions with no clear answers. Well, there's no point sitting around wondering, we have to move!

A Day in the Life...

As I found myself pouring over internet sites looking for people like me, I realized that perhaps I should just start writing about it myself. What was I looking for? The experiences of an active duty military officer who is also working her way through the early stages of motherhood. How do they survive being exhausted and still having to function at work? How do they deal with the long, stressful hours at work followed by long, stressful hours at home with a husband and infant? What about ALL the guilt, both at work and home? I couldn't find it, so I figure maybe I will write it down and it can help someone else. Also, by typing it up, I can skate a little longer on starting B's scrapbook!

So, my name is Diana. I am an active duty Navy LT married to an active duty Navy LT. I am getting ready to start a new job at my new duty station and my husband is soon to report to his new ship. We just finished a cross country move and are getting settled into our new home. I have a soon to be 6 month old son. B is an absolutely great kid! I couldn't ask for more, he has taken all the challenges that we have thrown at him in stride. He's been across the country three times in his short life. We also have 5, count 'em 5, pets. So my house never has a dull moment.

I am hoping to use this blog to chronicle my life and my journey through the Navy and motherhood. I am also hoping that this will reach some of the many ladies who are working so hard to serve both their country, both in the military or married to it, and their families. Hope anyone who finds this enjoys it. Thanks for listening!