Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Another Day, Another Wargame

So, I find myself really struggling to reconcile the two sides of my life. I am both a mother and a Naval Officer, but the differences between these two positions are so vast that I find it challenging to be the same person in both.

As a Naval Officer, I have to be aggressive, assured, and, sometimes, down right nasty. I also have to think quickly and think deadly. It is my job to keep my people safe and that sometimes means destroying those against me. How does that match up to the compassionate, loving mother side of me? I feel like I have two personalities and switching between the two is exhausting. Certainly, aspects of both overlap, but it doesn't seem to happen too often, and if it does, it is often at the wrong time. It's almost as if when I put my uniform on, I adopt one persona and when it comes of I have another.

This switching sometimes make me wonder if I ever do both well. I often feel that I am only mediocre in both situations. I know that the aggressive, mean personality sneaks in when I am dealing with a crying baby and I lose my temper. I also know that I am not as assured of myself at my job as I used to be. There are times when I feel that everyone looks at me as the person who lost her edge, who can no longer work as quickly or effectively as I did previously. This doesn't even mention my role as a wife, which I think might be suffering most of all. So, how to do it all and still be the same person? I guess if I figure it out, I will pass on the knowledge!

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