Well, here I am, all alone sitting in a BOQ room (Navy hotel room) by myself. I have read, worked out, caught up on the Internet, and various other things I had been wanting to accomplish for weeks. This all has been good. What is not good is that it has only been 12 hours. I still have 4 days to go and I am not sure how to fill them. Work will be busy this week, but that only gets me from 7 to 5. Sure, I'll work out and play on the computer each day, but how will I kill all of that extra time?
I feel silly for saying all of this. It makes me feel as if all I ever do is complain. When I am at home, all I want is time for myself and to get a break. Well, here I am, all the time for myself I could want and all I want to do is go back home. I am surprised at how physically and emotionally painful this separation has been after just 12 hours. I feel an actual ache in my chest for my son. My arms so desperately want to hold him. I talked to my husband a few hours ago and could hear B crying. It was the worst feeling to know that both he and J were struggling and there was nothing I could do to help. I have been on the verge of tears all day.
What scares me is that this is only 5 days. How will I feel when it is time to go on a 7 month deployment? What about all those LONG hours that are in my future when I am back at home. I feel like my child changes everyday, how much will I miss? I know that my son will be fine, we have great childcare, but again, they aren't his mommy. When I was little, my mother was there when I needed her, when I had a bad dream or scraped my knee. I can't make the same promise to my son.
On the other hand, my job meets my need for intellectual stimulation. I love my job. I love the opportunities it has given me (I have been to 4 continents and numerous countries). I have seen amazing sunrises over the ocean. I get to work with some of the most interesting people in the world. I get to do things that seem to only happen in the movies. I can't imagine sitting at a desk for hours on end working on paperwork. However, this ache is unbearable. I miss my son and will continue missing him until I am home again.