Tuesday, April 6, 2010

That Old Familiar Longing

So, after the third pregnancy announcement in a little less than a week, I find myself with the same old gnawing feeling...when is it going to happen for us. J and I have been "trying" (really not trying) since December. I know these things take time and my hormones are still recovering from nursing, but I can still feel that little monster inside me wondering what is taking so long.

I freely admit I am not a patient person. When I make up my mind about something, I want it now. Like yesterday now. I don't like the feeling of waiting or not being in control of my own destiny. We decided that we wanted to have two children before my three years of sea time (a no baby zone) and two afterwards. We have a pretty tight timeline. I have less than two years before I head back to sea. I also have only a couple of months before J heads out on the ocean for 8 months, so I kind of have to get it in now or wait for a whole year.

Last time we tried, it took 8 months. We had started fertility testing and where half way through an international adoption (I told you, I'm not patient). J was tested, but I wasn't. The doctor's appointment scheduled for me was 4 days after we had a positive test, so we may have no problems or we may have gotten lucky. That feeling of not knowing is unsettling.

I really don't want this time to be like last time. I don't want to pee on a million sticks, track my temperature, in general, I don't want to become obsessed. J was very patient and understanding, but I could tell that I was beginning to grate on his nerves. Heck, I was even annoying myself. At times, though, I feel like I can't help myself. As an accomplishment driven person, every single month we don't get pregnant feels like a failure. J just doesn't understand how crushing it is to me. I am trying very hard to keep all of my crazy to myself, but I feel like as time goes on, it is becoming more challenging not to buy the ovulation tests.

I don't want to sound like I don't appreciate my son. I love, love, love B. J sees my desire as a sign that B isn't enough, which he is. If he is all that we ever have, that would be okay. He's a great kid. But, I grew up as the oldest of four children. Our family just doesn't feel complete as three. Who is B going to play hot lava with, who is he going to share his secrets with, heck, who is he going to get into fights with. I look back on my childhood and fondly remember my time with my siblings. I love the memories I have of the four of us playing together. I still look forward to spending time with them. I don't want my son to miss that. J is an only and he just doesn't get it.

Needless to say, I feel like I am under the gun. There is a timeline that I am up against and I don't like that I can't drive the bus. Grrr...

No comments:

Post a Comment