Let me begin this post with this...I love my husband and my son. Dearly. More than anything in the world. They are the two most important people in the world to me.
That said, this weekend, I was ready to throw both of them out of my house. More accurately, I was ready to pack my bags and leave, just leave. There was a moment on Sunday where I could have exploded. I was so frustrated, so angry, and so spent that I just couldn't take it anymore.
It wasn't really anything that they did. Sure, B could have not sucked on my Ipod cord and broken it. Sure, J could have returned from duty earlier than he did. But, I can't really pinpoint any one thing that pushed me over the edge. It was just everything. The overwhelming amount of cleaning, the sheer exhaustation from a busy week and busier weekend, the bad news about my grandmother. It finally boiled over. And I yelled and fumed and cussed and insulted and did all those ugly things that you don't want to admit to.
My husband isn't the most empathetic man, so this proceeded into an argument about who works harder and who parents more and really nothing was accomplished other than we were now both mad and the dogs were cowering in their cage. B just watched from his high chair.
I felt terrible afterwards. I know how hard J works and how much he wishes he could be home more. I don't want my son to see me like this. I don't want him to think that acting in this manner is the best way to resolve these issues. But sometimes, I just can't help it.
I know that this could have easily been prevented if I had taken a moment to get out of the house on my own. A quick trip to the bookstore or an outdoor run would have cleared out some of this frustration. But, I feel so guilty that I don't see B enough that I feel I need to be with him when I am home. I know another solution to this problem is that J and I need to adjust to our new roles. I have done things on my own before, for the first few months it was just me and B. I just have to accept my lot in life for now. I know that tougher times are ahead, so little adjustments now will pay big dividends when J is gone for those long 8 months. Finally, I know that not everything will get cleaned every weekend. When it's just us, I have to make trade offs.
Now, it's easy to say all of these things, but the real test will be in a couple of weeks when all these feelings start bubbling up again.