Thursday, January 7, 2010

36 hours of work in 3 short days

I just finished up my under instruction rotation on the watch floor. I stood 3 12 hour watches in 3 days. I am bushed! I got up way too early and got home way too late. Yesterday, I left before B got up (sort of, I nursed him before I left) and got home 30 minutes before bedtime. Today wasn't much better. I felt like I was running home to see him, but only got to spend a few moments with him. I know that I could keep him up later, but that isn't fair to him just to make me feel better.

I have to give major props to the hubs. He waited until the nanny came in everyday, took B to get shots yesterday, and made dinner and cleaned up every night so I could have some time with B. I often get frustrated with J because I feel he doesn't help out as much as he should, but that certainly hasn't been the case this week. I feel bad too because I come home and give all of my attention straight to the baby and by the time there's time to spend with him, I am just SO tired. I even feel guilty typing this right now!

I know that there are only so many hours in a day and I have to make choices with my time, but there are just so many things that I need/want to do, that prioritizing is a challenge. So much of my job is crisis management, which I always thought I was good at, but now, I feel like my home is in crisis mode with laundry undone, kitchen unclean, and people unloved. On the ship, it was very clear cut how to do things and at my new job, I can react quickly and make clear decisions, but at home, I feel awash, completely overloaded. In the grand scheme, many of those things don't matter and I know both B and J feel loved, but still...I haven't found the balance where I can feel good about myself. At least there is a 2 hour delay in the morning so I can take a few minutes to love on both my boys and maybe even the cats.

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