The last few weeks have been a blur and now I find myself one week away from returning to work full time. It seems that 6 weeks has flown by and I simply am not ready. I mean, technically, I am ready. I have a freezer stocked with pumped milk, T will willing take bottles, the nanny has been here getting settled into her own schedule with the boys. But, I’m not ready to leave them yet. With B, I was at home for nearly 6 months (I was in school, never gone for more than a few hours at a time) before I had to go back to real work. This time, 6 weeks! This is compounded by the fact that I got my next assignment last week and it’s going to be tough and it’s back at sea. Like, mega tough, if I make it home while in port, that’s a win for the day.
At the same time, I am kind of ready to go back to work. I miss being intellectually challenged beyond block building and car racing. I miss not having to hear constant crying from multiple children. Most of all, I want a break from changing diapers. I enjoy my work for the break that it gives me, I know that I am a better parent not staying home.
But, it isn’t a good feeling to place your 6 week old in someone else’s arms and walk away from them. Last time, I felt more ready. B was stronger and more established. I didn’t check his breathing constantly while sleeping, I didn’t worry about how much food he was getting because he was already so solid. To me, T just doesn’t seem sturdy enough yet for me to head out. But, go back to work, I must. I’ll just have to enjoy these last few days at home all the more.