This week has been all about survival. The transition from one to two children has definitely been fraught with challenges. I spend a great deal of my day in a zombie like haze moving from one diaper change to the next, one feeding frenzy to another, and generally, one unmitigated disaster to another. I can totally understand the saying that you aren’t “really” a parent until you have more than one kid.
Here are just a couple of the situations that I have found myself in since coming home from the hospital. Example one, both kids are crying because they want to eat, who has top priority? Sure the baby can scream louder, but B can cause more damage if left hungry. Current solution, feed B and nurse while sitting at the table with him. Example two, both boys wake up with poopy diapers at exactly the same time, baby has a blow out, B has on occasion gone inside his diaper, who do change first? Current solution, change baby while watching B like a hawk. Example three, B NEEDS to held while baby is nursing. Current solution, hold both, one nursing on one side, the other one hearing stories on the other side.
The concerning thing is that I have help right now, in a couple of weeks, I won’t, it will just be me. I know things will get easier. T is a good sleeper and is only up at night to eat so as he gets a little bigger, I’ll get more rest. And really, that makes all the difference in the world. B’s patience is getting better, still not good, but better. Also, I’ll just get the hang of this. Every day I feel a little more comfortable being the mommy of two boys, so I know that soon, I might just be confident. And, it’s only 66 days until J comes home, so the best help will arrive then!
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
The Big Arrival
Well, we did it, J and I are now the happy owners of two little boys. In something of a whirlwind (I went in for an amnio, got told I was having a baby instead), we went from the controlled chaos of a single toddler to the sheer pandemonium of a toddler and an infant. Now, that’s a bit of an exaggeration, both of my boys have been better behaved than I expected, but there is certainly an added element of stress to everything that goes on in the house.
I won’t go into the gory details of the birth story, I was induced, it sucked, but I will talk a little bit about the minutes after. J had been calling throughout the day since he had received the “hey, having a baby” email in the morning. He was super supportive every time he called and really wanted to be as involved in the process as possible. At my lowest moments, he told me all the right things to make me feel better and help me through the labor. He called shortly before I began pushing and encouraged me and promised to call back soon to help me through the last bit. Well, due to a very short time of pre-pushing (they told me at least 30 minutes until he would be low enough, it was more like 5) and only 5 pushes, J wasn’t on the phone when the baby was actually born. He called about 20 minutes later. I was elated that he was only the phone congratulating me and speaking to his newborn son, but, at the same time, I couldn’t help but cry for all the things that he had already missed and would continue to miss for the next 80 odd days.
I felt very sorry for him in that moment. You could hear the strain in his voice as he told his son how sorry he was that he couldn’t be there and how much he loved him. I know that he has shed many tears thinking about how his boys don’t really know him and how he fears they will be afraid of him when he returns. I know how hard he works to stay connected to his family and how it doesn’t always feel like it works.
I wish there was some way I could bottle up these next few months and save all of the wonderful newness about being a parent again so that he could experience it too, but, alas, no such magic exists and pictures and videos can only get you so far. I know that my husband is doing important work and that he is doing the right thing, but I still can’t help but wish he was home to see and hold his new little boy.
I won’t go into the gory details of the birth story, I was induced, it sucked, but I will talk a little bit about the minutes after. J had been calling throughout the day since he had received the “hey, having a baby” email in the morning. He was super supportive every time he called and really wanted to be as involved in the process as possible. At my lowest moments, he told me all the right things to make me feel better and help me through the labor. He called shortly before I began pushing and encouraged me and promised to call back soon to help me through the last bit. Well, due to a very short time of pre-pushing (they told me at least 30 minutes until he would be low enough, it was more like 5) and only 5 pushes, J wasn’t on the phone when the baby was actually born. He called about 20 minutes later. I was elated that he was only the phone congratulating me and speaking to his newborn son, but, at the same time, I couldn’t help but cry for all the things that he had already missed and would continue to miss for the next 80 odd days.
I felt very sorry for him in that moment. You could hear the strain in his voice as he told his son how sorry he was that he couldn’t be there and how much he loved him. I know that he has shed many tears thinking about how his boys don’t really know him and how he fears they will be afraid of him when he returns. I know how hard he works to stay connected to his family and how it doesn’t always feel like it works.
I wish there was some way I could bottle up these next few months and save all of the wonderful newness about being a parent again so that he could experience it too, but, alas, no such magic exists and pictures and videos can only get you so far. I know that my husband is doing important work and that he is doing the right thing, but I still can’t help but wish he was home to see and hold his new little boy.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Mommy Roadkill
Some days of mommyhood just don’t live up to the “best thing that will ever happen to you.” Some days the little crises, degradations, and just all out unfairness get the better of you and you really have to wonder what you have gotten yourself into. And it’s not just the children that you presently have, it’s the future ones too. Sometimes, they just all gang up on you and bring you down.
This occurred to me yesterday.
First, I’m over being pregnant. I have once again become a member of the “pee your pants” club. Any sneeze, too hard laugh, and sometimes for no reason at all leads to it. All you moms-to-be, panty liners are a savior. I include this in one of the dirty little secrets about pregnancy that no one clues you into. This wonderful group includes hemorrhoid pads (I picked up some Tucks the other day in preparation for the birth), not being able to cut your own toenails, and the thousands of other indignities that you get to enjoy along the journey to motherhood. Anyway, I’m over being pregnant. I itch constantly, my liver function sucks, and I have about as much energy as a three toed sloth. Thankfully, at most, I have two weeks to go. 4 March can’t get here fast enough (although it will probably be 25 Feb).
Second, my son. My lovely, wonderful, inquisitive son dumped an entire bag of shredded cheese throughout the house while I tried to chase him down to take it away. He grabbed it off the table while I was cleaning up from dinner and the rest is history. I have to give thanks for my dogs though, they did all the clean up with a smile on their faces. I may pay for it today, but yesterday, I couldn’t have been happier that I didn’t have to sweep. B, totally age appropriate, is a maniac. He wants to explore everything, high or low, near or far, if he can see it, he wants to figure it out. The fifteen minutes where he played quietly with his trains the other day was shocking. Generally, he is on the go at a high rate of speed for the majority of the day.
Anyway, once everyone was to bed (pups included), I enjoyed a quick bowl of ice cream and headed to bed myself (not to sleep, but to itch laying down). But, today is a new day. B may be wonderful today as he was this morning when he actually addressed me as mama, my bladder is behaving and I itch at only a minimum level. And if today gets the better of me as well, there’s always tomorrow.
This occurred to me yesterday.
First, I’m over being pregnant. I have once again become a member of the “pee your pants” club. Any sneeze, too hard laugh, and sometimes for no reason at all leads to it. All you moms-to-be, panty liners are a savior. I include this in one of the dirty little secrets about pregnancy that no one clues you into. This wonderful group includes hemorrhoid pads (I picked up some Tucks the other day in preparation for the birth), not being able to cut your own toenails, and the thousands of other indignities that you get to enjoy along the journey to motherhood. Anyway, I’m over being pregnant. I itch constantly, my liver function sucks, and I have about as much energy as a three toed sloth. Thankfully, at most, I have two weeks to go. 4 March can’t get here fast enough (although it will probably be 25 Feb).
Second, my son. My lovely, wonderful, inquisitive son dumped an entire bag of shredded cheese throughout the house while I tried to chase him down to take it away. He grabbed it off the table while I was cleaning up from dinner and the rest is history. I have to give thanks for my dogs though, they did all the clean up with a smile on their faces. I may pay for it today, but yesterday, I couldn’t have been happier that I didn’t have to sweep. B, totally age appropriate, is a maniac. He wants to explore everything, high or low, near or far, if he can see it, he wants to figure it out. The fifteen minutes where he played quietly with his trains the other day was shocking. Generally, he is on the go at a high rate of speed for the majority of the day.
Anyway, once everyone was to bed (pups included), I enjoyed a quick bowl of ice cream and headed to bed myself (not to sleep, but to itch laying down). But, today is a new day. B may be wonderful today as he was this morning when he actually addressed me as mama, my bladder is behaving and I itch at only a minimum level. And if today gets the better of me as well, there’s always tomorrow.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Crunch Time!
Well, the countdown is officially on. I got the news that I can’t carry past 38 weeks, so at the very latest on 4 March, the Betz family will be welcoming a new boy to the fold. I will be having an amnio to check for lung development on the 24th and, if ready, I’ll get induced on the 25th.
I was expecting this, but the shock is no less. That basically gives me 3 weeks to enjoy having only one child, to get everything ready, and to get myself mentally prepared. I have a plan of attack that breaks up a lot of the tasks (grocery shopping, cooking and freezing, pet prep), but still, there is A LOT to get done between now and then. And I can’t really do any of it right now, as my house is in shambles because we are getting several rooms (kitchen, living room, bedroom) painted.
The biggest challenge that I am having is the mental preparation. I can do all the physical stuff, purchasing and cleaning, but getting myself in the right mindset to have a baby again has been tough. First off, I really am struggling to face the fact that J won’t be there and that I have to labor with my mother instead of my husband (neither mom nor I are really thrilled about this arrangement). Now, J freely admits that he wasn’t exactly an “active” participant (he got the nurse when I started throwing up), but still he was there.
Second, I have gotten B to the point where he can do a lot for himself. I don’t have to feed him, I can let him play in another room on his own (thoroughly B-proofed, of course), and most of all, he can entertain himself. He plays with the dogs or cats, he plays with his blocks, he dances, he doesn’t need me there for every second. I can make dinner, go to the bathroom, do the laundry without a helper all the time. B and I went out to dinner last night and while not the most enjoyable dinner out I have ever had, we managed it relatively easily. I cannot imagine how we are going to do that with two. I really can’t. I can’t figure out how we are going to grocery shop. Heck, I’m still trying to figure out how to get them both in the car by myself.
Third, I just don’t know how ready I am to go through the no sleep, constant nursing, lots of poop cycle that I am headed into again. We have lots of help, so I know that things will be fine, but I have a lot more responsibility this time around. 5 pets that won’t understand why things are changing so much (last time, I only had 1 dog, J had the other 4). A little boy who has been the center of the world for two years. Plus a house that is doing its darndest to fall apart around me. There is so much pressure on me already that I just don’t know how I will add this additional responsibility on without going bonkers.
But, again, I know I am not the first person to do this and I won’t be the last. I have help. Family members will be with me for the first month, I have the nanny, we have people coming to clean. I can do this. Like the little engine that could, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…..
I was expecting this, but the shock is no less. That basically gives me 3 weeks to enjoy having only one child, to get everything ready, and to get myself mentally prepared. I have a plan of attack that breaks up a lot of the tasks (grocery shopping, cooking and freezing, pet prep), but still, there is A LOT to get done between now and then. And I can’t really do any of it right now, as my house is in shambles because we are getting several rooms (kitchen, living room, bedroom) painted.
The biggest challenge that I am having is the mental preparation. I can do all the physical stuff, purchasing and cleaning, but getting myself in the right mindset to have a baby again has been tough. First off, I really am struggling to face the fact that J won’t be there and that I have to labor with my mother instead of my husband (neither mom nor I are really thrilled about this arrangement). Now, J freely admits that he wasn’t exactly an “active” participant (he got the nurse when I started throwing up), but still he was there.
Second, I have gotten B to the point where he can do a lot for himself. I don’t have to feed him, I can let him play in another room on his own (thoroughly B-proofed, of course), and most of all, he can entertain himself. He plays with the dogs or cats, he plays with his blocks, he dances, he doesn’t need me there for every second. I can make dinner, go to the bathroom, do the laundry without a helper all the time. B and I went out to dinner last night and while not the most enjoyable dinner out I have ever had, we managed it relatively easily. I cannot imagine how we are going to do that with two. I really can’t. I can’t figure out how we are going to grocery shop. Heck, I’m still trying to figure out how to get them both in the car by myself.
Third, I just don’t know how ready I am to go through the no sleep, constant nursing, lots of poop cycle that I am headed into again. We have lots of help, so I know that things will be fine, but I have a lot more responsibility this time around. 5 pets that won’t understand why things are changing so much (last time, I only had 1 dog, J had the other 4). A little boy who has been the center of the world for two years. Plus a house that is doing its darndest to fall apart around me. There is so much pressure on me already that I just don’t know how I will add this additional responsibility on without going bonkers.
But, again, I know I am not the first person to do this and I won’t be the last. I have help. Family members will be with me for the first month, I have the nanny, we have people coming to clean. I can do this. Like the little engine that could, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…..
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Being Thankful
While I walk or work out, I listen to several different parenting podcasts to pass the time. My all time favorite is the Manic Mommies, who are working moms that openly and hilariously discuss the challenges of trying to “have it all.” Recently, they interviewed a couple who started a Thankfulness website that challenges everyone to be thankful for three to five things everyday and to log these things either with their website/app or in a journal.
Well, I have taken on the challenge. I feel like lately the pressure of an almost 2 year old, managing a household single handedly and being mega pregnant and super, super itchy has just made me miserable. I feel like I do nothing but yell and pout and complain. I haven’t felt to joy of everyday life in a while, so I decided to start logging things everyday that I am thankful for instead of always thinking about all the things that frustrate and upset me.
It hasn’t been easy everyday, I have already logged my thankfulness for naptime and baby gates several times. There have been days where I can’t seem to come up with anything until after B has gone to bed. There have been days were being thankful for anything feels forced, but I still took the time to sit down and write things down.
Looking back on my week or so of entries, I have also noticed small, special things that I had been overlooking before. B has learned 4 new words in a week. J sends me nice emails more often than I thought. The dogs behavior isn’t as bad as I thought it was. It was a real boost to see all the things that I have to be thankful for in just a week.
I’m not delusional, there are really, really tough days ahead. I fear that the day little NB is born will be both one of the happiest and saddest days I have ever experienced. The challenges of cholestasis are looming and the challenges of bringing a new baby home all by myself is even more daunting. But, if I remind myself of all the things there are to be thankful for, like rocking my little boy to sleep before he gets too much bigger, then we can make it these last 118 days.
Well, I have taken on the challenge. I feel like lately the pressure of an almost 2 year old, managing a household single handedly and being mega pregnant and super, super itchy has just made me miserable. I feel like I do nothing but yell and pout and complain. I haven’t felt to joy of everyday life in a while, so I decided to start logging things everyday that I am thankful for instead of always thinking about all the things that frustrate and upset me.
It hasn’t been easy everyday, I have already logged my thankfulness for naptime and baby gates several times. There have been days where I can’t seem to come up with anything until after B has gone to bed. There have been days were being thankful for anything feels forced, but I still took the time to sit down and write things down.
Looking back on my week or so of entries, I have also noticed small, special things that I had been overlooking before. B has learned 4 new words in a week. J sends me nice emails more often than I thought. The dogs behavior isn’t as bad as I thought it was. It was a real boost to see all the things that I have to be thankful for in just a week.
I’m not delusional, there are really, really tough days ahead. I fear that the day little NB is born will be both one of the happiest and saddest days I have ever experienced. The challenges of cholestasis are looming and the challenges of bringing a new baby home all by myself is even more daunting. But, if I remind myself of all the things there are to be thankful for, like rocking my little boy to sleep before he gets too much bigger, then we can make it these last 118 days.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Registry Politics
I received a very interesting phone call last night from Babies R US. A registry person called and asked if I wanted a personal appointment because my registry was missing some important items.
With our second boy on the way in less than two years, I am having a challenging time coming up with what we really need when it seems like we have everything. NB doesn’t need a stitch of clothing, I think there are some things that B never even wore. We have towels and sheets, baby tub, diaper genie, bottles, pump, just about everything. I am going to sleep with NB in the room with me, while B kicks it in the crib until J gets home (the logistics are really just much easier this way). So, that just leaves a stroller and some diapers. Thus, I have a pretty sparse registry.
BTW, can I mention just how darn expensive these double strollers are. It’s highway robbery! I really want a Phil and Teds for space, jogging, and convenience, but I just can’t stomach spending that much money. I know that I will ultimately, but it just stinks. Plus, I have to have a double for the nanny, so we really almost need two strollers (I WILL NOT buy two Phil and Teds).
Anyway, I digress, I kind of feel bad that this baby won’t have anything “new,” but then I remind myself that it really just gets barfed and pooped on AND they don’t remember anything anyway. So, it doesn’t really matter what they wear, sit it, play with.
With our second boy on the way in less than two years, I am having a challenging time coming up with what we really need when it seems like we have everything. NB doesn’t need a stitch of clothing, I think there are some things that B never even wore. We have towels and sheets, baby tub, diaper genie, bottles, pump, just about everything. I am going to sleep with NB in the room with me, while B kicks it in the crib until J gets home (the logistics are really just much easier this way). So, that just leaves a stroller and some diapers. Thus, I have a pretty sparse registry.
BTW, can I mention just how darn expensive these double strollers are. It’s highway robbery! I really want a Phil and Teds for space, jogging, and convenience, but I just can’t stomach spending that much money. I know that I will ultimately, but it just stinks. Plus, I have to have a double for the nanny, so we really almost need two strollers (I WILL NOT buy two Phil and Teds).
Anyway, I digress, I kind of feel bad that this baby won’t have anything “new,” but then I remind myself that it really just gets barfed and pooped on AND they don’t remember anything anyway. So, it doesn’t really matter what they wear, sit it, play with.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Halfway There!
We’re on the downhill! Finally, after 131 long, long days, we are now on the backside of this deployment and the end is somewhat in sight. I mean, it’s still 131 days, but that’s way better than what we have been facing. Our countdown chain is finally somewhat manageable and I might actually be able to string it downstairs instead of keeping it piled up in a garbage bag.
It’s strange to think that in that short (ish) amount of time, B and I will transition from being a two person household to a four person household, first with the arrival of NB and then the return of Daddy! I am grateful that my son is a fairly flexible person (something I think that we have cultivated since his birth – what other 3 month old flies across country twice and moves across country). I think that he will adjust to these changes with relative ease.
My parents will be staying with us for the first two weeks after NB’s arrival and I think that will be crucial to B. My father, Grampy, is the single best person in the whole world to B. Old Grampy can calm the boy in a way that I have never seen. He doesn’t tantrum with him, he just loves him. We will also have some other visitors in the first month, so that should give B some much needed extra attention while Mom is otherwise occupied. Then, Dad comes home, and although I am sure that B will have no idea who he is, I am sure that he will quickly fall into a good relationship with his father.
The only beings I am concerned about having transition problems over the next few months are 3 little kitties and 2 puppies. None of the cats were living with me when I had B, they were all in RI with J, so they have never experience a newborn. Two of the cats have grudgingly accepted the existence of B, they hang out in high locations whenever he is about. One, Nosy Rosie, has really taken to B and loves to sit with him and be petted and even lets him pick her up. Lou, one of the dogs, was with me when B was born and really did a great job with him. I remember him running between the crib and me when they baby started crying. He would constantly check in the stroller when we were out on walks, just to make sure his baby was still there. Lou, I’m not so worried about. Sully, though, may present a problem. Sully is hands down J’s dog and may miss him more than anyone else. I already know he is going to have some jealousy issues. My plan is to get out on a walk every day (weight loss!) to try and help Sully adjust.
So much to think about and plan for! But, at least we are on the downhill!
It’s strange to think that in that short (ish) amount of time, B and I will transition from being a two person household to a four person household, first with the arrival of NB and then the return of Daddy! I am grateful that my son is a fairly flexible person (something I think that we have cultivated since his birth – what other 3 month old flies across country twice and moves across country). I think that he will adjust to these changes with relative ease.
My parents will be staying with us for the first two weeks after NB’s arrival and I think that will be crucial to B. My father, Grampy, is the single best person in the whole world to B. Old Grampy can calm the boy in a way that I have never seen. He doesn’t tantrum with him, he just loves him. We will also have some other visitors in the first month, so that should give B some much needed extra attention while Mom is otherwise occupied. Then, Dad comes home, and although I am sure that B will have no idea who he is, I am sure that he will quickly fall into a good relationship with his father.
The only beings I am concerned about having transition problems over the next few months are 3 little kitties and 2 puppies. None of the cats were living with me when I had B, they were all in RI with J, so they have never experience a newborn. Two of the cats have grudgingly accepted the existence of B, they hang out in high locations whenever he is about. One, Nosy Rosie, has really taken to B and loves to sit with him and be petted and even lets him pick her up. Lou, one of the dogs, was with me when B was born and really did a great job with him. I remember him running between the crib and me when they baby started crying. He would constantly check in the stroller when we were out on walks, just to make sure his baby was still there. Lou, I’m not so worried about. Sully, though, may present a problem. Sully is hands down J’s dog and may miss him more than anyone else. I already know he is going to have some jealousy issues. My plan is to get out on a walk every day (weight loss!) to try and help Sully adjust.
So much to think about and plan for! But, at least we are on the downhill!
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